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Duke du Bois

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How I feel about being 23 and so on [02 Jun 2006|02:15am]
At this moment, I can't believe I am 23.

Its as though my time here is going faster and faster, I am trying to catch up with that number. I use my ideals as to what I should be doing at my age, and I don't come close.

Things happen, life happens, I didn't know what I was going to go through, I couldn't have predicted the future. Fate is in my hands.



I am an adult. I am a woman. Yet I do not have the responsibilities most adults tend to. For that I am grateful most of the time. I don't have a 9-5 job, I can not work and be okay because my parents support me, but then I strongly dislike having to depend on them for *all* my monetary needs. I don't have any bills whatsoever, and that is quite nice. As I am getting older I feel so much that I am freeloading off them, BUT I had so many struggles with myself. Struggles that I can never sum up in a sentence or two :'( I wish that all wouldn't have happened to me, that it wouldn't have stopped me from going to school, to lose my goals and motivation, to be so lost.

I am leaps and bounds better, I am in such a better place. I never knew what real happiness is. I had to go from the deepest depths of nothing, with many struggles to a place where I am now confident and happy and feel great about life.

I want to live. I want to be happy. I want to make friends. I want to feel accepting and understanding about myself, not be doom and gloom about any situation I put myself in.

I look inside myself and I feel so lucky to be where I am now. I know I am not 100%, but I am better. Baby steps...baby steps.

I feel beautiful. It makes me cry because I never thought I could be at this place, no words could ever express how sincere I am about that. No words, not ever. I really do feel like I have been given a second chance at life, life how it's supposed to be: not cast in grey and black, but all the colors capable.

Thank you to all my therapy at Kaiser, my ever loving Celexa, my family for their support and never ending love, and my close friends for being there for me and helping me realize I'm okay :)

7 kisses| the cupcake

"Lepracon" in Mobile, Alabama [28 Mar 2006|11:33am]
Could be a crackheeead



LOLZ :D

if you haven't seen it, it's new to you
1 kiss| the cupcake

They call it a crush for a reason >:( [11 Nov 2005|11:50pm]
I AM SOOOOO SAD. I AM COMPLETELY CRUSHED. I cried so much earlier today, I felt so led on, and I was. Or maybe I was blind.

Basically, on Monday night I invited myself to his house to watch tv, we didn't do *anything* physical. I had him make me a pb+j sandwich. We also watched the Ring 2, which sucked major ass. I think I was being forward when I asked him to give me a kiss as we were saying goodbye...I told him again that I did like him and asked how he felt about me, he said "I dunno yet." I guess he figured out soon after that he didn't like me, that our feelings weren't mutual. He did try to like me, you know, by going out with me several time, but it just didn't work out. He didn't feel any chemistry besides friendship.

As he was telling me this over AIM (I did ask, it had been on my mind since I first started liking him), I felt tense all over, and an immediate sense of failure and loss. I felt so crushed, just like the name implies. He said he wanted to tell me sooner how he felt but he was so busy with work he didn't have time to call (or email I guess either). He doesn't have a mobile either, lame!

I feel like such a fool for being so infatuated with him, I felt so in love, I felt so many butterflies when I was just near him. He made me feel so alive and happy, something I haven't felt in a really really long time. I thought I was going to be happy with him, I thought something great was to be, but no. He was really sorry for not telling me sooner, before I got *too* attached. heh. A bit late for that.

I thought we had a real connection, but it definitely wasn't mutual.

I am a fool. And my heart aches. :(
7 kisses| the cupcake

Hmm, I guess so [20 Oct 2005|02:53pm]

You fit in with:
Spiritualism



Your ideals are mostly spiritual, but in an individualistic way. While spirituality is very important in your life, organized religion itself may not be for you. It is best for you to seek these things on your own terms.


60% spiritual.
60% reason-oriented.





Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com
1 kiss| the cupcake

Single as of 10/18 Tuesday :D [20 Oct 2005|12:57pm]
I AM SINGLE!!!!!!!!111fdsfsdafjkdsh

Yes, I am.

:D :D :D

I have been wanting this for so long...I can't believe how happy I am now.

Things are working out great, I am still on good terms with the Daniel, and that was something really important to me, he's more than a friend to me, he's my best friend right now, we have a really deep connection because of how long we were together (5 1/2+ years) and of what we experienced together. He is always going to love me, he said that I really am beautiful and he sincerely apologized for not telling me. ::tear:: He is always going to be there for me if I need anything. And we're still going to hang out and whatnot, but that girlfriend/boyfriend connection with him is really gone for me. My heart has moved on. :)

And some more exciting news, for me at least ;) I finally fit into the Seven jeans I bought like a month ago or so. I am still going to wear my American Eagles but these are added to the collection :) My arse looks so cute!! hehe Now I can finally hem them... Somehow they make me look more grown up when I wear them, maybe just more put together or something.

-And news on the crush:
We have bascially been chatting (I do know him in person, we worked haunt together last year) online (I didn't really talk on the phone with him because I was in a relationship) for months now and our convos last a few hours at least each time. We get along well :) He also knows everything I've been going through emotionally and with the Daniel, and he actually responds to what I say/think. So when I finally turned single I told him online that night about how I was really happy, and we were really into our convo, we even made PB & J sandwiches together! How cute ^_^ So I made him call me on the phone and we talked allllll night, literally, I went to school in the morning an hour after our convo ended. I was giddy the whole day (and so sleepy). I confessed that I like him and that I just wanted him to know that. And I asked him all these random things, and he wasn't weirded out by me at all! hehe I showed him my cloggy slipper-boots I got in the Amsterdam when my feet were getting cold (and my pokemon pants I made in highschool) and he got a blast out of them! hehe

Maybe you will too :P


Can't you tell how happy I am! hahahhhaha :D
6 kisses| the cupcake

Recent [14 Oct 2005|12:44am]
The only day I have off of school is Sunday, and on Sunday I work. I have no days off, I am always doing something. And how do I feel about that??

I love it! It makes me feel like am being productive, like I am getting somewhere, making a big dent in my future. I am getting my AA in the Spring and that makes me happy. I still want to go to CSM but my dad doesn't feel so comfortable with it as he did (bombings and whatnot).

I have been trying to spend my time crafting lately, I have recently made some talons out of polymer clay to put on my fur boots. I took off those stupid pompoms, now they look grim and frostbitten, viking. I'm working on some new knitted gauntlets to wear after the other ones came out too big. New yarn, new gauge *crosses fingers*

Today I spent some time on myself, something rare these days. I finally dyed my hair after two months, also gave it a trim to it's former glory. People sure seem to like my hair, it *is* cute though ^__^

I think the Celexa is really working. I feel much better, I know the friends I do have (2) do notice. I am going to try and keep up emails and messages, I am the worst at responding to anything, and that is the agoraphobia doing it's deed ¬_¬ I have lost so many contacts because of it, how sad for me. Oh how I weep.

I am struggling with the boyf, it is an unhealthy relationship for me, my therapist and I have decided it was a big factor to my attempt in July. It is so hard to break 5+ year ties. I know I can do it, it is only a matter of time now. I have really tried hard too, 3 times in the past month to be exact. I am disconnecting myself.

My new friend Cristina is a charm. I think we are twins, we are telling people we're identical twins even though we aren't really :) We met in our basic drawing class, she's a photog. We're going to Haunt on the 26th. I miss that place, I didn't think I would as much as I do, especially now that its Halloween season. I feel so left out from the usual. bah!

I also have a crush on someone special. :)

And just because:
10 kisses| the cupcake

Itchy itchy itchy, and school. [11 Jul 2005|06:06pm]
I'm pretty bad at drawing as my posts do tell, so I enrolled in a basic drawing class at my school for the summer. It's one month long from 10-3pm M-Th. I am so lucky I got in, so lucky!! I was getting super nervous right before my teacher was doing the adder's. That would have sucked balls if it didn't work out. :\ gah!

I am so happy right now, and excited. ^_^ I got all my supplies today too. Tomorrow I'm going to ask what I should bring all my stuff in; I have one of those gaint clip board things for my 18x24" papers. I think I need a big portfolio for it. I went to the Art Supply Warehouse in Westminister, I've never been there before and it's huge!! I got my sketch pads from Michael's though, they were 50% off...I love a bargain. And I got my small tool box from Lowe's for $5. :D

And then I stopped at the Boba Ya! for the first time. I got a Green Tea smoothie with bobas of course. I love their mascot!!! A little brown boba ball of joy :) I want him on a t-shirt. I wish Daniel could've been there with me, we drove by that place so many times last year on our way to work (Haunt). mmmmm!

Yay for the christen :)

And then I went to Joann's to get some fabric I've been eyeing forever that's *finally* on sale for $2/yd. Meanwhile, rearranging my schedule with the manager, she's a doll thankfully! And the bad news, I broke out in 3 dozens itchy bumps while I was in the store...all over my face and arms/legs/chest! How embarassing!!! My face all red and icky. So when I got home I jumped in the pool for about 30 minutes, it felt so soothing and relaxing. The water was perfectly warm from the sun, aah.

I'm taking a shower now.
1 kiss| the cupcake

Mexico and working, and no computer (again) [08 Jul 2005|02:43am]
I would have updated sooner, alas my Windows needed to be activated before could go on. See, before I left to Mexico, there was a pop-up saying I needed to activate Windows in X-amount of days, I ignored it. Then when I got back I needed to do it, now! But I didn't have any of the information. So I did lots of calling to the older brother and Microsoft, and am finally here at this moment. gah!

-About today's events, my mom woke me up at 6:30 this morning and told me the London subway got bombed. I'm like, "Say what??!" I scramble to watch the BBC and some show interupts the news (ghey). Thanks. I found some other news stations and my goodness, what an ordeal. I was scared for my friends, and since there was no computer/internet for me, I texted them via my phone. And they're all doing fine :)

-Mexico was fun, I'll go into greater detail once I get my pics up. Some highlights include: my new friend I named Charlie, a new belt engraved with DR. FRONK on it, some natural colored guaraches that I'm *not* going to color white, they're pretty as they are, seeing the old family vacation house now in ruins, so sad, and the bull fights. Honestly, I was nervous and uneasy about going to the bullfights, but I had no choice. It ended up being quite good, and since we all know the bulls are killed, I didn't know that they are eaten after, every single bit of it doesn't go to waste. I thought they were killed then that's it, but I think it's honorable to eat the bull, they're such powerful creatures. (I am carnivore)

-I also have a job now, I work at Joann's, yes the fabric store :) I am happy about it, I would go there like 3 times a week at least, so now I get to see all the product first, and always get a discount. And it's right by the house.
2 kisses| the cupcake

Mexico [01 Jul 2005|11:02pm]
I'm going to Mexico, Baja California to be exact (Rosarito) for this holiday weekend with my parents and my sister and her boyf. Sans the daniel. My oldest brother's neighbor built a house down there and he invited us all, I hope it'll be fun. :) We're going to visit Ensenada and Puerto Nuevo I think.

I'm going to get some white guaraches (sp?), and some black or brown ones too. And some belts, and a mini sombrero. ^_^

ttyl
2 kisses| the cupcake

And then there was gray... [27 Jun 2005|04:42pm]

no flash

I used the Roux Fanci-Full Rinse in True Steel, for about 30 min. I think I'll do it again, but I am pleased with the results and ready to make the clips.
3 kisses| the cupcake

Toning [26 Jun 2005|02:35pm]
I digested all the information from my previous posts, here's a big Thank You to everyone who replied :D :D
-Thank you sooo much!!! ^_^

I hadn't touched it since Wednesday, and just toned the hair last night. I used Clairol Creme Toner in Extra Light Platinum (base blue-violet). I also added a small pack (really tiny) of Ardell Red Gold Color Corrector to that mix, to help take out the reds and gold more. I left it on for 15min.


And here's another pic

I am happy with the results, its pretty light now and the orangey/yellow bits are almost completely gone. Ok, so now I am going to use the Roux Fanci-Full Rinse in True Steel, that color is gorgeous. ::crosses fingers::
1 kiss| the cupcake

Kabuki [22 Jun 2005|06:41pm]
I didn't do any hair stuff today at all, was too busy finding something to wear. And just my luck, I was scowering all over the place, buying who-knows-what, and end up wearing the blouse I made in April :o)

At least I found the lime green knee hi's to wear with my little gaucho pants :D hahaha

And I'm off :)
the cupcake

Bleached, part 1 [22 Jun 2005|02:06am]


I used 30 vol cream developer and Quick Blue powder bleach. I used half the little bottle, and half the powder. I'm going to bleach it again in hopes of getting it lighter. We'll see.

After that I'm going to condition it, and tomorrow get some blue-violet based toner in a platinum color. Then try to make it gray...

eta:


I'm wondering though, would I need to get it super pale with the Creme Toner in Extra Light Platinum (base blue-violet), or could I forgo that and use the Glorious Grays in Glorious Slate or Smoke (iirc it's also base blue-violet). And then continuing to use the Rinse in True Steel (perfect color!). Maybe I wouldn't have to go through that extra step. I dunno, just thinking. Or maybe I could just use the Glorious Gray toner and color it with Light or Dark Drabber (grey with purplish tint) from Wella. Those drabbers are Modifiers, I'm guessing they "can" be used as the actual permanent color... gooness me! :o)
5 kisses| the cupcake

Dyeing blonde weft, and [21 Jun 2005|02:50am]
I really needed a trim, and I didn't know how I'd go about finding the right hair dresser, so on Saturday I got fed up and decided to cut my own hair. I see it as a combination of all 4 hair styles I posted. It's really cute!! I took some pics, but they didn't come out good enough, so tomorrow I'll try again. It's asymmetrical of course, long on the left, short on the right. I razored it a lot so its much softer everywhere, not so heavy and thick. There are wispy bits on the underneath too. I like it :)

And scentless here are some more sites for your quest :)
-Arimino It's a Japanese website, lots of interesting cuts! Just keep clicking on "Next."
-LAPAGE hair Click on hairstyle gallery, and stylist gallery. Really good cuts, I wish could have had my hair cut in Japan! :o)

I want to dye this blonde human hair weft to that gray color:


I've dyed this weft before using Manic Panic in some purple color and it worked with great results. I don't know much about dying hair, I mean, I dye my own with Natural Instincts, but that's it.

I don't really know what I'll need, or what brand I should choose. I'm getting it from Sallys, I might use Wella, or actually the brand with the closest match to the color I want. Do I need developer or something? Do I need a toner for it? All these chemicals, not my forte.
8 kisses| the cupcake

ha ha [20 Jun 2005|03:54am]
[ mood | amused ]

"-Allow older pedestrians more
time to cross the street. They
are more likely to die as a result
of a crash than younger pedestrians."

the cupcake

I got a ticket to kabuki, here I come! :D [17 Jun 2005|06:06pm]
Totally last minute, I got my ticket for the Shochiku Grand Kabuki, Chikamatsu-za on Wednesday at the Cerritos Center for the Performing Arts.


I am soooooo excited!!! I wasn't sure if I was going to go or not because of the ticket price and not having anyone to go with. I found out there were only 2 tickets left, and it was too expensive to go with someone, so I'm going alone for $95. BUT, it works out ok because the Odori-kai is all sitting together, so it's not like I'm completely on my lonesome. I have a great seat, I think. For that price I should ;)

details
the cupcake

Hair stuff [15 Jun 2005|12:01am]
Ok, so I found the old hair picture site that I thought was gone forever.

Voce Hairfile
I am so glad I found it, there are so many hair styles! Some are conservative, but most I do like. It's a slightly interactive site, showing front, sides, and back or hair styles. Cool feature :)

The pictures from my last post were from Japan Hairdressing Awards Association There aren't too many pictures, but it is definitely quality or quantity. Under sub3.htm

And some other websites through my searching:
-abc-net.co.jp In addition to the styles on the front page, if you look on the left and scroll to the bottom, "Hair Salon Community Ranking" There are the individual salons, and click away :) Orange and Kitchen


I didn't get to go to the Ten Ren like I wanted, I could have but I didn't see anyone there with neat hair like I usually do. Maybe tomorrow.
the cupcake

I had something to say, it's lost now [13 Jun 2005|03:09am]
I've been looking into getting a new hair cut. Ive exhausted myself cutting my own hair for so long. I feel like treating myself to something special. I used to have a Japanese website saved that featured tons of hairstyles, but since the computer had been updated recently, all my favorites were deleted. :(


Something in the vein of that. Asymmetrical, short in the back, some wispy long parts here and there, a little silly looking.

-A problem that could arise is that I keep my undercut shaven, so if there needs to be hair at the nape of my neck, I ain't got none. :x
-It is also very very difficult to find a competent hair person, someone that can do it just right. Since I was 14 or 15, everytime I've gotten my hair cut I've had to go back and get it recut. I've been cutting my own for that reason since 2002/3 I think. I do a good job and have had no complaints :) But I'm kind of tired of doing it, I need a break.
-So, I am going to the Diamond Plaza tomorrow to "hang out" and scope out nice cuts and ask them where they got it cut. I have some places in mind where I want to go, but I need to do lots of research before my head is on the cutting table.
-I want it razor cut of course, like I do. Luckily I live in a city where there are many asian salons that specialize in razor cutting. I am also planning on adding some silver weft for some interesting color.

And the hunt begins. :>

p.s. If I could get my hair cut anywhere, I would go to Underworld.jp omg so cute!! ^_^
11 kisses| the cupcake

Mary Kate and ET, friends :) [30 May 2005|12:00am]


hahah LOL
4 kisses| the cupcake

MoMo Adventure [27 May 2005|01:55am]
A couple days ago I went to Diamond Plaza with Daniel (where they have Life Plaza and other asian stores/restaurants). I had wanted to go to MoMo Style Tokyo store for a long time, they sell lingerie and other underwear geared for asian women. I am not asian, but they have pretty things there, and it's all from Japan.

So we went and they actually have tabi socks!!!1 I was totally flabbergasted :o) They aren't the traditional ones used for odori (white, slightly above ankle, with 3 tabs closure), but knit ankle length in an array of colors/patterns. They're normally $9-$12 a pair, but on sale for 3 for $18! So I bought 3 pairs :) I am still so excited about them, I want more and more. So many different kinds...

Pink bunnies and yellow flowers, koi fish, and autumn/fall theme


I thought it was funny when the sales lady was telling me what they were...as if I didn't know ;D harhar

Also, I ended up not leaving with my credit card and having to pick it up from them the next day. They were super cool about, even calling the credit card company. Yay for MoMo!!
3 kisses| the cupcake

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